Depression.
Yup. Sadness, moping, greatly disliking myself, my life, and every aspect of both (besides my cute husband. Him I will always love) was depression. I abandoned this newborn baby of a blog/journal/thing because I couldn't work up the desire to put any of my thoughts down on the interweb. I couldn't stand the thought of someone (as if?) reading what I was writing. I was not creative enough to grab people's attention and keep them here. I doubted my abilities in everything.
To put it lightly, it was awful. I cried a lot. I was sleepy wayyy too much. I lost the desire to work out or eat healthy, and I just didn't feel good. In one of my internet surfing days at work, I stumbled across a website that talked about your body telling you that you are depressed. As I mentally went check! check! check! down the list, I realized that I had more of those symptoms than I ever wanted to admit. I knew my family had a history of depression, but I am the happy one! I am optimistic! I don't have time to be depressed.
One day in a crying frenzy that was probably pre-period, I told Cameron that I thought I was depressed. Nothing felt right inside of me, and that was the only explanation I could give him. He didn't like that one bit. To him, my depression made him a bad husband--totally not the case at all.
As we talked, more things started making sense. I'm working in a very un-fulfilling job (good work... when there is work) where I surf the internet and turn my brain to mush every day. I lack a goal of some sort, or a purpose, for my every day happiness to reside on. I miss the stress and deadlines of school. Or just in general, I miss school.
We talked for quite awhile, and he basically gave me the best advice he could, "It will get better. Ask for more things to do at work. Read a church talk every day at work. Find a purpose. Pray." All of Cameron's answers have to do with praying (I love that). I tried. I prayed. I thought I found a spiritual purpose. I worked hard to keep my mind busy with something worthwhile at work (other than that darn Iwastesomuchtime.com or other such black holes of nothingness).
It didn't work. The same symptoms were still there. I was still unhappy, and argumentative, and always bugged with every tiny little thing.
A few breakthroughs happened along the way: I went to Laurel Legacy and realized how much I need my Savior. I also realized how great my life is. But those things didn't stick, ya know? and I was bugged. Also, a job that I'd set my heart on fell through and I was pretty bummed. I had been pretty sure that getting a new job would solve all of my problems (new people! new place! I'd learn SPANISH!).
Fast forward to a week and a half ago. Again, pre-period crying after Cameron and I had a heart to heart. I didn't feel like I had a purpose. I couldn't stay in this job much longer. I was so sad and heartbroken and mad at myself for distancing my husband.
Then, magic happened. (GEEZE Aubrey, this is the most dramatic thing I think I've ever written). Cameron suggested I go back to school. At first, the thought terrified me. More student loans is the worst possible thing that ever crossed my mind. However, the more we talked about it, the more peace settled into my heart. School, again? That can happen? Cameron offered to get a job (I've been working full time so he doesn't have to through school) if I had to quit mine for something part time. I suddenly realized that my dream of going to college with my husband may finally be coming true. Just imagine those football games! Cheesy pictures galore! I was even willing to accept the fact that I had to go to WSU and not my beloved Utah State.
So, here we are. I've done my research. I'm applying to receive my teaching license through Weber State's Master of Education program. and I'm going to become the real Mrs. Page, teacher! It didn't really feel real until I threw down a solid $115 for the Praxis and another $20 for a study guide. That is WAY too much money for our small budget, but I know it will be worth it. This peace can't be lyin.
Can you believe it????!!!! I'm going back to school! I better whip my grammar back into shape, fast!
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